One Million Moms – Secret Life of An American Teenager

Posted on 25. Jun, 2010 by Sean.

So if you’ve never heard of One Million Moms.com they’re this group that is trying to get “filth” off TV to protect the children.  

In this episode, they’re up in arms against a show called, The Secret Life of An American Teenager.  Now to be fair, I’ve never watched the show, but I know what it’s about, generally speaking.  It basically shows various teens and the fucked up shit they do, like bang multiple people, get knocked up, have oral sex, etc.  It might be a little risque, but you’re living in a total state of denial if you think kids today aren’t engaging in this type of activity.  It’s fucked up, sure - But pretending like it’s NOT happening isn’t going to make these problems go away. 

Shows like this aren’t glorifying sex, promiscuity, pregnancy, etc. they are giving you some insight into what’s going on and this can help parents address the issues before they happen to their kids.  So while this may be a lame ABC Family show, I still think more shows need to illustrate what’s really going on in the world so we can open a dialogue with our kids over the dangers  they face and the potential consequences (sex can equal:  baby, STDs, being labeled a filthy whore, etc.).  But of course, OMM sees things differently. 

So without further ado, I present their letter, followed by my edited letter – sent to the show’s sponsors. 

THEIR LETTER:

As a mother and a member of OneMillionMoms.com, I am greatly disappointed in your company’s decision to sponsor ABC Family Channel’s “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” program.

This show is extremely graphic in its social portrayal of sexual activities among teens and its casual approach to one night stands, abortion and homosexuality.

I also oppose the mockery of Christianity.

As a consumer, I am asking you to stop your company’s advertising support of ABC Family’s “Secret Life” program. My decision to support your company depends on it.

I look forward to hearing from you regarding my concern.

And… MY LETTER: 

As a member of OneMillionMoms.com, I am greatly appreciative of your company’s decision to sponsor ABC Family Channel’s “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” program.

This show is extremely graphic in its social portrayal of sexual activities among teens and its casual approach to one night stands, abortion and homosexuality.  While this may be shocking and disgusting to Puritanical pinheads that bury their heads in the sand and refuse to acknowledge the growing problems facing our youth in this country, I applaud you for creating a frank discussion.  The fact that you are portraying real life here and not some Christian façade of chastity and purity that doesn’t exist among most of our children – should be commended, not criticized.  By showing what really goes on, parents can discuss these difficult topics with their kids and hopefully show them the consequences of their actions.  Show them that sex is a serious, adult responsibility and that it shouldn’t be trivialized.  Show them that even though, morally it may be wrong – legally, in America – abortion is a right women have.  With the increasing number of underage and unwed pregnancies, obviously the Christian method of preaching abstinence is failing spectacularly.  Education and cold, hard reality is a far better approach than willful ignorance and purity rings. 

I also laud you for characterizing homosexuality, not as a choice, but as a genetic predisposition.  Let’s be honest – no one would choose that lifestyle, the ridicule, the abuse, the homophobic rants by the self loathing, closeted Christian right.  The leather pants (they chafe you know).  It’s genetic, it’s not a choice – get over it.    

I also support the mockery of Christianity.  Let’s face it – these hypocrites protect pedophile priests, support scumbags like Ted Haggard and Pat Robertson and firebomb abortion clinics, yet they are vehemently opposed to sex education.  They also believe the Earth is 6000 years old and would probably still try to drown and burn “witches” and other assorted “heretics” if we gave them the chance, so screw these imbeciles.      

As a consumer, I am asking you to keep your company’s advertising support of ABC Family’s “Secret Life” program. My decision to support your company depends on it.

I look forward to hearing from you regarding my support.

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Album Review – Kingprince by Cassino

Posted on 07. Apr, 2010 by Sean.

This record is absolutely fucking amazing.  If you don’t go buy it right now, then go back to your cave, Osama – because you hate America.

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I joined One Million Moms

Posted on 04. Mar, 2010 by Sean.

So if you’ve never heard of One Million Moms.com they’re this group that is trying to get “filth” off TV to protect the children.  It’s always about the children, isn’t it?  Here’s their purpose, from their website:

Mom, are you fed up with the filth many segments of our society, especially the entertainment media, are throwing at our children?  Are you tired of all the negative influences our children are forced to contend with?  If so, we urge you to become a member of OneMillionMoms.com.

OneMillionMoms.com was begun to give moms an impact with the decision-makers and let them know we are upset with the messages they are sending our children and the values (or lack of them) they are pushing.

Our goal is to stop the exploitation of our children, especially by the entertainment media (TV, music, movies, etc.).  Mom, OneMillionMoms.com is the most powerful tool you have to stand against the immorality, violence, vulgarity and profanity the entertainment media is throwing at your children.  It is time to fight back!

First of all, this is hilarious.  I find it amazing that such a small segment of our population can speak for the majority.  You know, the reason Two and a Half Men is a big hit is because people watch it and (gasp) actually enjoy it.  Sure, it may not be my cup of tea or your cup of tea, but that’s the beauty of free will – We can change the channel and not watch it if we don’t like it.

Very little offends me except bad taste in music and films and people who obsess over their cats.  That’s pretty much it.  But when a group like this attempts to determine the standard of what’s tasteful, that bothers me.  I don’t need to you speaking for me or crying about the children.  If you, as a parent, did your job and educated your bastard child and taught them right from wrong as well as the dangers of social ills like alcohol and drug abuse, sexual promiscuity, listening to rap music, etc. we wouldn’t have to worry about our kids being “corrupted” by TV, movies and video games.  Instead of passing the buck and expecting everyone else to rear your child for you, why don’t you take a few minutes out of your day (the time you’d spend writing venomous letter to advertisers) and talk to your kids?  When I was a kid, my brother and I weren’t allowed to watch Married With Children because my mom felt that it was morally offensive (actually her best friend Gloria felt that way and ratted us out to my mom).  But guess what?  It was morally offensive.  I mean, I love the show and began watching the shit out of it once I turned 18, but when I was a kid – whether I agreed with my mom or not - irrelevant.  I was in no position to make that judgement call because I was the kid and she was the parent.  She made sure we didn’t watch that show and we respected that decision, albeit grudgingly.  End of story.  If parents today did that instead of cowering in fear of actually disciplining their shitty kids, organizations like this would serve no purpose whatsoever.

Anyway, enough preaching.  the whole point is I joined this stupid group (even though I’m not a mom…yet) so that I could send my own letters under their name.  When you go to the site you can click on the latest offensive show (in the instance below, it was Family Guy’s episode with the girl that has Down Syndrome) and it populates a form email and sends the message to the advertisers sponsoring that show (in this case – Yum Brands).  The problem for One Million Moms is that you can edit these letters, which, of course, I did.  So without further ado, I present “their” letter followed by my edited letter which I sent to Yum Brands.  Enjoy!

Their letter:

As a mother and a member of OneMillionMoms.com, I am greatly disappointed in your company’s decision to sponsor Fox’s “Family Guy.”

While your company is a household name, I do not agree with your financial backing of this program.

The sexual content and foul language are highly offensive and not family-friendly. The mockery of special needs children and Christianity is a disgrace.

As a consumer, I am asking you to please pull your ad immediately and support traditional family values instead of this garbage. My decision to support your company depends on it.

I look forward to hearing from you regarding my concern.

And… MY version of their letter:

As a son and someone who can’t stand OneMillionMoms.com, I am greatly elated in your company’s decision to sponsor Fox’s “Family Guy.”

While your company is a household name, I completely agree with your financial backing of this program.

The sexual content and foul language, while not family-friendly, are still hilarious. The mockery of Christianity is awesome.  Please keep it up.  If I wanted to live my life based on a book of fairy tales, I would have picked Hans Christian Anderson or the Brothers Grimm, not the idiots who wrote the Bible.

As a consumer, I am asking you to please continue running your ads on this show.  “Traditional family values” – whatever that means, no longer exist and this humor and content is the end product of our shifting attitudes as a society.  I applaud you for ignoring the rantings of undersexed housewives with nothing better to do with their free time then try to ruin it for people with senses of humor who actually are getting laid.  My decision to support your company depends on it.

I look forward to hearing from you regarding my concern.

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MANTAGAS!!!!!!!!™ Part 4

Posted on 01. Sep, 2009 by Sean.

Submitted by Thomas Perri who asks, “too soon?”

       
Who told me my 1967 Oldsmobile Delmont 88 would float just fine in the Chappaquiddick channel?

 MANTAGAS!!!!!!!!™

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Hi, Blink-182! Damn glad to see you again…

Posted on 28. Aug, 2009 by Sean.

I went to see Blink-182 on Wed night at PNC in Holmdel and it was an amazing show.  I missed out seeing the fat slobs in Taking Back Sunday who I haven’t cared about since their first album came out and I got there too late for Weezer as well.  Weezer isn’t a band I give a shit about anymore, either.  Maladroit, started me down that road and the topper was the song “Beverly Hills” which I consider a horrific pox on music that I will never forgive them for.  But I digress… I ended up arriving right as Blink was taking the stage and I could feel myself getting giddy.  Let me say, I am not ashamed at all to admit that I LOVE Blink-182.  I love their songs, I love their goofy onstage antics, and I love that they make me feel like I’m 21 again.  They played all of their hits incredibly well and they had the crowd squealing with delight.  In fact, the only blemish to me was “Adam’s Song.”  Mark was straining to hit those high notes like he was passing a golf ball-sized kidney stone.  But even that song wasn’t terrible and all in all – It was just good to have Blink-182 back. 

When they broke up a few years ago and each member went and did their own thing, it really bummed me out.  Not only because it was the end of an era, but also because each new band they left us with was horrible – Angels and Airwaves?  + 44?  The Transplants?  Ugh, are you kidding me?  They all came prepackaged with so much hype and did not come anywhere close to measuring up to their combined efforts in Blink-182.  That, plus the fact that I had listened to Blink through some of the most fun, yet transitional periods of my life made me miss them in a deeper sense than some random band breaking up.  To me, it felt more like I had lost a friend. 

Blink has always represented pure joy to me.  The way Mark, Tom and Travis interacted with each other and their audience was so sincere and unique to bands of their stature.  Most bands have an air of superiority they carry onstage.  Blink never did.  They made you feel like you could jump up on stage and become a part of their group in a heartbeat.  Whether I saw them at the Trocadero, opening for Less Than Jake, in front of a couple hundred kids or playing in front of thousands at a huge venue like PNC or Tweeter, they welcomed you to their shows like normal, yet super lucky  dudes who were completely thankful for the opportunity they received and the success they achieved.  I loved that about them because it’s easy to get jaded in the music business and they seemed to be above all that.

Alas, it turns out they weren’t above all that.  Towards the end of their first run together, we started seeing some changes.  Tom seemed to be getting a little full of himself and wanting to evolve Blink into this more sophisticated and progressive rock machine.  To be honest, I hated Blink’s last studio album and I began drifting away from the unwavering devotion I had always had for them.  They got outside of what they were, which was a mistake.  Don’t get me wrong, I know bands want to evolve, but Blink didn’t need to evolve for the sake of evolving.  All of their prior efforts to their last album had a small, but logical progression from the previous one.  But the last album went way too far into left field.  The Cure-like atmosphere on a lot of songs just wasn’t Blink.  Side projects could have achieved that goal of creating something off the band’s beaten path and left Blink for their fans.  You can see what I mean in the videos for the album.  “Feeling This” an homage to Pink Floyd’s The Wall tried way too hard , “Down” was too preachy and “Miss You” and “Always” were stupid glammed up videos that should have been used by “serious” bands like Coldplay or The Killers.  Blink got away from what had made them great – those incredibly hilarious, pop culture-skewing videos and the fun loving, sometimes teen-angsty songs that were their staple for so long – and it really sucked. 

But even though I wasn’t a fan of the new stuff, Blink was still a band I liked just knowing were there.  It was comforting in a “musical security blanket” kind of way.  Even if I forgot about them for a while or didn’t listen to their albums for a few months, when I did re-connect with them, they would always bring me back to an amazingly fun time in my life.  Dude Ranch and Enema of the State remind me of bright summer days, driving around with the windows down, talking with my pals about girls and life and where we were gonna get drunk that weekend.  A carefree time that you miss when faced with the mundanity and daily responsibilities  of adulthood.  Blink is an emotional fountain of youth.  They make you giggle at low brow, toilet humor that you’ve grown (ahem) far too sophisticated to appreciate in your old age.  They make you nod your head to 3 chords of simplistic brilliance which always made me wonder why I couldn’t write something similar (oh, right – that whole lack of talent thing).  But the point is Blink-182 is all the fun times you had as a kid that you sometimes forget you’re capable of.  They make me want to pick up my guitar and play along to their records while drinking beers with my friends and talking about stuff that is spectacularly unimportant in the grand scheme of our overall lives. 

On Wednesday I had a smile on my face for an hour and half and just remembered all the great firsts I shared with that band:  The first time I saw and heard “Dammit” on 120 Minutes and was blown away by the lyrics and the sing-along-ability of that song.  Or the first time I saw the outrageous videos for “What’s My Age Again” and “All the Small Things” and couldn’t believe how brilliant and ballsy they were.  Or how I thought “Carousel” was the best song ever for, like, 3 minutes until I heard “M&Ms.”  Or how I always wished I would one day get a girlfriend like “Josie” (which I did).   Blink are the soundtrack to an endless amount of my life’s snapshots, forever stashed away in my memory.  And I’m so thankful for that. 

The wonderful thing about Blink is their blissful minimalism.  They don’t try to be anything they’re not.  They’re a bunch of SoCal kids who loved to skateboard, go to the beach and play punk rock.  And a few years ago they made it big and brought joy to millions of kids the world over.  Now, a few slight detours aside, they’ve returned to recapture all their former glory.  It’s a shame it took a near tragic plane crash to provide the impetus for the 3 former friends to reunite, but I’m glad they did.  The world seems like a better place with them back together.

Welcome back, Blink-182.  I missed you homos. 

(Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

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MANTAGAS!!!!!!!!™ Part 3

Posted on 14. Aug, 2009 by Sean.

This one was submitted by the ACTUAL REAL LIFE MANTAGAS!!!!!!!!™

Enjoy…

Who told me that there was a special package for me on the sixth floor of the
Texas School Book Depository ?

 MANTAGAS!!!!!!!!™

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MANTAGAS!!!!!!!!™ Part 2

Posted on 24. Jul, 2009 by Sean.

The further adventures of MANTAGAS!!!!!!!! 

What infidel told our women not to wear their burqas because it was ‘Hawaiian Shirt Friday’?!?!

MANTAGAS!!!!!!!!™

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MANTAGAS!!!!!!!!™ Part 1

Posted on 23. Jul, 2009 by Sean.

So a few weeks back my company softball team was milling about drinking beers after another sound thrashing at the hands of a rival.  We were getting eaten alive by gnats when my co-worker, Mike Mantagas said something about gnats having the smallest brain of all insects.  I replied, “Really?” “Nah,” he said.  It was total bullshit.  So I then added that a firefly’s glow was actually its semen.  Another falsehood, but it got a laugh and then everyone started making up random nonsensical “facts.”  And we laughed and laughed.  And laughed and laughed.  And laughed some more.  And kept right on laughing.  And laughed even more still.  And then when we thought we were done laughing, we kept on laughing… 

Eventually, after we realized we were just laughing like a bunch of rétards and couldn’t remember why, we all came to agree that there should definitely be a TV show about a guy named “Mantagas” who goes around spouting off total bullshit or revealing embarrassing truths about people and then when the victims of his false facts and embarrasing truths catch on, they bellow out his name and raise their arms to the heavens in unholy fury.  Kind of like Captain Kirk’s “KHANNNN!!” in Star Trek II or George Costanza’s “TWIXXXX!!” in that one episode of Seinfeld.

So, as you might expect, this turned into a huge, time-sucking, waste of work time and resources coming up with our various ideas for Mantagas!!!!!!!!™ .  But you get to reap the benefits of our severe lack of a strong work ethic as I will update the site every now and again with a sweet submission that one of my co-workers or myself came up with.  It’s so stupid, but I cried like 8 times from laughing so hard.   

Anyway, these “scenes” are the realization moment -  The moment where the random person discovers he’s been bamboozled, hoodwinked, or hornswoggled by Mantagas and reacts to that bitter realization.

So without further ado – Episode 1 – of Mantagas!!!!!!!!™ ***

***note – it has to be 8 exclamation points to be a true MANTAGAS!!!!!!!!™ moment – no more, no less.

Who in the hell told all my cholos that I still listen to Menudo?!?!

MANTAGAS!!!!!!!!™  

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Why The Gaslight Anthem is the Best Band in the World

Posted on 23. Jul, 2009 by Sean.

I saw Gaslight Anthem three times on their last tour.  I normally would never, EVER do that for a band, but this band is different for me.  Rare is the band that inspires a near cult like loyalty on my part.  And rarer still is the band that I will go see in concert SIX times in an eight month span.  Concert tickets aren’t free, you know and in this economy we’re all trying to spend wiser.  But still…it’s Gaslight Anthem.  And they’re the greatest band in the world.

Breakthrough bands are not just great musicians or great songwriters.  They aren’t just great at marketing themselves.  They aren’t just lucky in the timeliness with which they burst onto the scene.  Truly great bands incorporate all of these factors into making them the biggest bands in the world.

The Beatles came along when rock and roll was in its infancy and they turned music and the entire industry itself on its ear.  They progressed and reinvented themselves so many times that their forward thinking inspired millions of copycats.  They changed the course of rock and roll forever.

Nirvana came along at the end of a horrible recession, in the post Reagan/Bush I years that were filled with cynicism and anger and frustration.  They came along as the perfect mouthpiece to articulate all those feelings and they blew the doors off of pop music and even pop culture.  So apropos to the time, they even knocked Michael Jackson’s Dangerous off its Number 1 perch on the Billboard charts.

Now these are just two examples of bands that I love and band that I feel exploded in a manner unique to music and radically shifted the direction rock was going in by spawning hundreds or even thousands of bands that were influenced by this radical departure from the mainstream.   Arguments can be made for countless other bands from Led Zeppelin to the Stones to The Clash to U2, etc., etc..  I’m not comparing Gaslight Anthem with any of those world-changing, history making bands but I see in this band something powerful forming and people are beginning to take notice.  I won’t go so far as to say it’s a movement, but it’s a unity, a purpose in their fans to advance the music and to celebrate the greatness that they emit in every one of their songs and every one of their live performances.

It was only a matter of time, but the celebrity obsession had to start backfiring eventually, didn’t it?  In these economic times how much can we really relate to a ballplayer making $20 million a year or the movie star making that much per movie?  Who can afford to jet to the Riviera like these insipid socialites you see on TV?  Do we give two shits about Heidi and Spencer anymore?  Or the fat cats in their ivory towers sucking the blood out of the less fortunate so they can show their shareholders a one point gain on their company’s stock are hardly role models.  Whereas,  the blue collar, hardworking everyman has become the person we are slowly regressing to and choosing to emulate.  At least I hope that’s the way we’re heading.  These are the people that built and sacrificed for this country and it’s about time they get the same respect and appreciation vapid celebrities have been monopolizing the past few years.  There is a nobility in working hard and providing for your family without any fanfare or accolades; in remaining loyal to your home and your friends.  Gaslight Anthem are proponents of these simple, yet seemingly long lost ideals.  They are cut from that same working class hero cloth that bore us Bruce Springsteen, John Mellencamp and their red blooded, wholly American, ilk.

The thing that distinguishes Gaslight from the baby boomer rock and roll artists, for me, is the tone and content of their songs.  Sure, they sometimes have that unquestionably sorrowful awareness that things can be bleak and your hard work can last a lifetime with little to no reward, but there’s also a sense of optimism and wistful nostalgia that harkens you back to a simpler time with blissful memories.  I know Brian Fallon wasn’t going to sock hops and drinking malted milk shakes with his best gal back in the 50’s, but he knows what that time was like in our country – the ending of a miserable world war, full of sacrifice and despair and the bursting forth into a whole new era of exuberance, and optimism.  It’s been a while since we’ve had that kind of pure, unabashed hopefulness without a slight dollop of the pessimism that had permeated our daily lives in the Dubya era.  It’s like turning a huge ship, as far as the speed in which things can change, but the point is that hope is not lost and the winds of change will blow if you’re determined enough.

The best bands come along at a time when the world is really ready to listen to what they have to say and their message is both intelligent and poignant.  Gaslight have arrived at a time of great fear in our country, but also of great hope.  The election of a black President - with the crumbling of our world standing, as well as our economic superiority – has both given us cause for panic as well as a sense that we can be the first generation since our grandparents to bring about a real change to our planet.  We are aware that Reagan-esque consumer spending sprees are no longer a viable option.  We know that the world’s climate is a serious problem that must be addressed through cutting back on fossil fuels and finding new ways to create energy.  We know that in order to truly move forward as a society we have to start taking better care of our sick, our children, our elderly, our neighbors.  We’re all in this together and Gaslight Anthem is the soundtrack to those feelings.  I listen to The ’59 Sound and I feel proud to be an American and I feel like there isn’t anything we can’t do.  The older generations they sing about, our parents, their parents – they laid the groundwork and we can carry on that torch they’ve passed on to us.  The world is changing radically, but some of our base ideals and traditions should not.

A particular quote from Stephen Chbosky’s coming of age classic, Perks of Being a Wallflower springs to mind when I listen to The ’59 Sound – “I feel infinite.”  It’s been a while since music made me feel that way.  Thanks, Gaslight Anthem for renewing the faith.

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Top 10 Henchmen

Posted on 22. Jul, 2009 by Sean.

Henchmen handle all of that day to day evil doing that I just can’t be bothered with – from torturing my arch nemesis to killing low level subservients who shirk their tasks.

So who would be in my “Top 10 Henchmen of All Time” list?  Well I gleaned them from some of my favorite movies.  Let’s begin:

10.  Virgil (James Gandolfini) – True Romance

“Condescend me, man.  I’ll fucking kill you, man.”  It’s a shame he beat the ever living shit out of Patricia Arquette and her super terrific rack.  If he had instead beaten the ever living shit out of David Arquette, he would have been my number 1.

9.  Bob – Batman

Great photographer, good transcriber, loyal, laughs at all your jokes and he’ll even give you the gun to shoot him with.

Now THAT’S a henchman!

8.  Boss Godfrey – Cool Hand Luke

“The man with no eyes.”  He was quiet, which I like (because I don’t stand for insolence).  And he was a dead eye with that rifle.  I value a man who can shoot off a rattlesnake’s head at 10 yards.

7.  Mr. Kobayashi – Usual Suspects

Cold, calm, calculating.  The man was not fazed by the impertinent suspects and their hollow threats.  Plus he was the trusted confidant of Kaiser Soze.

6.  Pik Van Cleef – Hard Target

Before he was the Mummy he was dropping kick-ass one-liners on Jean Claude Van Damme and lopping fat dudes’ ears off with scissors in this John Woo classic.

5.  Boba Fett – Empire Strikes Back

Before we saw what an annoying little shit Boba was in Attack of the Clones, he was the baddest bounty hunter in the galaxy.
That “Dad!  Taun We’s here!” line, uttered with the enunciation of a
retard gargling a mouthful of Down Syndrome, makes us cringe now,
but in Empire he owned.

4.  Mystique – X-Men

A. Even blue and covered in scales she’s still hot.  B. The fact that she can kick ass and assume the appearance ofanyone is all kindsof awesome.  I think a funny joke would be having her morph into your friend’s wife and then you invite your buddy over and he walks in and sees you boning his blushing bride.  Hilarious!

 
Mystique morphing into my
best friend's wife, Melissa. 

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