MANTAGAS!!!!!!!!™ Part 4

Posted on 01. Sep, 2009 by Sean.

Submitted by Thomas Perri who asks, “too soon?”

       
Who told me my 1967 Oldsmobile Delmont 88 would float just fine in the Chappaquiddick channel?

 MANTAGAS!!!!!!!!™

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Dear God…It’s me, Sean

Posted on 11. Aug, 2009 by Sean.

Dear God,

Hi, it’s me, Sean.  I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I thought it might be time we re-connected.  I know I’m not as devout in my religious beliefs as I was in my youth so I may not be in the best position to complain, but I’m not happy right now, God.  You’ve really let some stuff get out of hand here on Earth.  I guess getting older and more cynical has led me to doubt your existence.  Not going to church anymore, and disagreeing with your fanatical followers here on Earth, well – It’s caused me lose faith and for that - I am sorry.  I wish I hadn’t strayed from your flock, and I’m willing to come back, but first we need to discuss some things. 

Let me clarify, God – it’s not just me – millions of people need you right now, because of the events that took place this past weekend.  No, not that – Yeah, sure a lot of Asian people died because of those storms, but I’m not gonna say that you shouldn’t make it rain once in a while.  I mean, you know more about precipitation and flooding than me.  And let’s face it, there are a shitload of Asians out there, so losing a few hundred of them might not get noticed by too many people.  But I digress…

No, what I want to talk to you about is the Yankees sweeping the Red Sox in 4 games this weekend.  I mean, come on.  2004 proved you were a Sox fan, so what gives?   I don’t question your divine plan, Lord, but I would like to make a suggestion:  Now, while the team and their fans are riding a dizzying high of good vibes and boorish bravado - Please, please, please kill the NY Yankees. 

Look Lord, you know I hate the Yankees and their fans more than anything else in this world.  I hate them to my core, in all of my being, right down to my soul.  I hate them more than Palestinians hate Jews, more than Louis Farrakhan hates white people, more than Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity hate reason, logic and common sense.  I mean, don’t you remember how I was one of the only people outside of AZ that rooted against the Yankees in the World Series in 2001, a mere 2 months after 9/11?  I would have rooted for Al Qaeda before I rooted for the Yankees, even in that difficult time for our nation. 

Lord, I’m not the only person that detests these insufferable fucks and their moron fanbase.  And I know you hate them, because you’ve befallen serious tragedy on them before.  I mean, Lou Gehrig?  That was awful.  The Iron Horse, stricken down by ALS and dead within two years of retiring?  Yikes.  Thurman Munson?  Crashing that plane but still saving his passengers before he got toasted?  Very sad.  Those guys didn’t really deserve to die, but you offed them anyway. 

I thought you were gonna do some damage to this generation of Yankees, too and I don’t mean to be a dick, but you’re kind of a tease, God.  Don’t get me wrong, that Christmas morning in 1989 – when I awoke to find out Billy Martin had drunkenly wrapped himself and his car around a telephone pole – that was awesome.  In fact it was one of the best death presents I got until Biggie Smalls was killed.  When Cory Lidle crashed his plane into that building, that got me kind of pumped.   Until I heard he was solo and didn’t have any of his teammates with him.  To be honest, Corey Lidle wasn’t anyone I cared about either way.  I mean, if you had gotten Posada or Matsui, or even some low level, perpetually irritating scrub, like Luis Sojo riding shotgun on that plane, I would have been pretty ecstatic.  But Lidle just didn’t cut the mustard.  So I ask you, nay, beg you, Lord - Isn’t it time that you just kill the NY Yankees?  Oh, God – Please, please, please kill the NY Yankees. 

Let’s face it – they’re easily the most obnoxious team of assholes in any sport.  They are the perfect example of hubris.  Remember the time those rich snobs claimed the monstrous cruise ship out of Liverpool was unsinkable?  How they made it the most luxurious and obnoxiously opulent ship in history?  They scoffed at you, Lord.  Well you had the last laugh when you sank that bad boy on its maiden voyage!  I mean, that’s some cold blooded, poetic shit right there.  And that sent quite the message, didn’t it?  Of course it did.   

Well the Yankees are that very same symbol of detestable arrogance, greed and wealth and you can send a new message to your followers here on Earth today.  I mean, they have the audacity to call their home a “cathedral?”  What’s that all about?  And they routinely flaunt their excess to all visitors of their ballpark.  Worst of all – They routinely break your commandments.  I went ahead and gave some examples for you in case you were busy elsewhere – 

1. Douche Yankee fans worship Derek Jeter as a God, they also have monuments to past players in the outfield of their ballpark.
   Commandment Breaker: Worshipping false idols. 
   
2. They inspire all non Yankee fans to blaspheme your name.  After every victory a resounding, “Goddamn Yankees!” can be heard throughtout this great nation of ours
   Commandment Breaker: Making wrongful use of the name of your God.
   
3. They play baseball games on Sundays.
   Commandment Breaker – Not honoring the Sabbath.
   
4. I’m sure a few Yankees have said stuff in anger at their parents at some point in their lives.
   Commandment Breaker: Dishonoring thy mother and father.
   
5. Jim Leyritz, who was a World series hero with the Yankees recently killed a woman because he was driving drunk.
   Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not commit murder.
   
6. Roger Clemens cheated on his wife numerous times with a country singer, Jason Giambi cheated on his wife (I knew a girl he hooked up with that wasn’t Mrs. Giambi – honest!), A-Rod cheated on his wife with a number of mannish looking strippers.
   Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not commit adultery.
   
7. As a team through 8/10/2009 the Yankees had 72 stolen bases collectively.
   Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not steal.
   
8. The Yankees always make lame accusations against opponents for everything from stealing signs to throwing at their hitters.
   Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbors.
   
9. In 1972, pitchers Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich swapped wives and families (this really happened). 
   Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not covet they neighbor’s wife.
   
10. The Yankees always cry about how hard they have it and how much easier things are for other teams, never mind that they play in the biggest city, have the most money, spend the most money, have the most merchandising revenue, etc. etc.  Hank Steinbrenner even whined about how the Yankees would have made the playoffs if they played in the NL West in 2008. 
    Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor (including the geographical location of their baseball team). 

So you see, God?  The Yankees are a pox on this planet.  Get rid of them now, and bring joy to us non douchebags the world over.  We deserve better than a team and a fanbase like this.  The fans are unbelievably annoying, they sound like guido meatheads with their cro magnon-like chants of, “Deh-Rick-Jeet-UH!” echoing throughout bars, restaurants and baseball games in this great nation.  Enough is enough, God.  Wouldn’t this send the ultimate message of who’s in charge?  Get people back into the old school ways of fearing you a bit?     

While a team plane crash would be the ideal way to go, since you could get them all in one fell swoop, I’d also take a series of random catastrophes that would befall each player individually.  If you need some creative suggestions, here are a few I came up with to get you started:

Robinson Cano – Head crushed by blue ice falling from a plane. 

Hideki Matsui – Trampled in downtown Tokyo this offseason by a mob of people who think they’ve spotted Ichiro Suzuki.  

Brian Bruney – Awkwardly falls face first into his feeding trough, drowning in beef gravy.  

Melky Cabrera – Flaming debris from a decommissioned satellite lands on his face while he’s picking beans on a Domican farm this offseason.  

Nick Swisher – Dinner fork in the ol’ electrical outlet.  

Mark Teixeira – Due to his face, mistaken for a horse and turned into Elmer’s glue and hot dogs.  

Alex Rodriguez – After deciding no woman (or man) can truly satisfy him due to his blinding awesomeness, breaks his neck attempting to suck his own dick.  

AJ Burnett – Rocketing tire to the face from a spinning, flaming car wreck at a NASCAR rally.  

Mariano Rivera – Mangled under a wheat thresher in Iowa after visiting a cancer stricken farm boy as part of the Make-A-Wish Foundation.  

Johnny Damon – While visiting some soldiers at a nearby fort, he asks to practice throwing a live hand grenade.  However, his hilarious lack of arm strength results in its detonation less than 2 feet away. 

Andy Pettite – Drunk on Shiner Bocks, one of his dumb, shit kicking, Texan neighbors mistakes his big butt chin as a disrespectful “mooning” and shoots him in the face with a 12 gauge.  

Joba Chamberlain – Accidentally overdoses on his mom’s “Crystal Meth/Crack/Chocolate Fudge Cake”.     

Jorge Posada – Gets his humongous nose caught in one of those rolling, rock-pulverizing machines from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.  You know, the one where that giant gets his sash caught in it and emerges as a red stain. 

Derek Jeter – Gang raped by a pack of silverback gorillas that escape the Bronx Zoo.  

CC Sabathia – Chokes during his hourly feeding when the fire hose that stadium staffers use to shoot Ranch Dressing into his fat mouth, gets stuck in the ‘on’ position.  

There you go, God.  Thanks for listening.  I hope I’ve presented a clear cut case for why you should kill the Yankees.  They’re fucking assholes and it’d be nice to make the fans all cry their stupid eyes out while I laugh and laugh at their misery.  And if you do this I’ll do your bidding, whatever it may be.  Even if it means becoming a dopey Mormon and walking around door to door in those lame outfits.  It’s a small price to pay for the smiting of my most hated foes. 

Keep on truckin, big guy.

Your pal,

Sean

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MANTAGAS!!!!!!!!™ Part 2

Posted on 24. Jul, 2009 by Sean.

The further adventures of MANTAGAS!!!!!!!! 

What infidel told our women not to wear their burqas because it was ‘Hawaiian Shirt Friday’?!?!

MANTAGAS!!!!!!!!™

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Top 10 Henchmen

Posted on 22. Jul, 2009 by Sean.

Henchmen handle all of that day to day evil doing that I just can’t be bothered with – from torturing my arch nemesis to killing low level subservients who shirk their tasks.

So who would be in my “Top 10 Henchmen of All Time” list?  Well I gleaned them from some of my favorite movies.  Let’s begin:

10.  Virgil (James Gandolfini) – True Romance

“Condescend me, man.  I’ll fucking kill you, man.”  It’s a shame he beat the ever living shit out of Patricia Arquette and her super terrific rack.  If he had instead beaten the ever living shit out of David Arquette, he would have been my number 1.

9.  Bob – Batman

Great photographer, good transcriber, loyal, laughs at all your jokes and he’ll even give you the gun to shoot him with.

Now THAT’S a henchman!

8.  Boss Godfrey – Cool Hand Luke

“The man with no eyes.”  He was quiet, which I like (because I don’t stand for insolence).  And he was a dead eye with that rifle.  I value a man who can shoot off a rattlesnake’s head at 10 yards.

7.  Mr. Kobayashi – Usual Suspects

Cold, calm, calculating.  The man was not fazed by the impertinent suspects and their hollow threats.  Plus he was the trusted confidant of Kaiser Soze.

6.  Pik Van Cleef – Hard Target

Before he was the Mummy he was dropping kick-ass one-liners on Jean Claude Van Damme and lopping fat dudes’ ears off with scissors in this John Woo classic.

5.  Boba Fett – Empire Strikes Back

Before we saw what an annoying little shit Boba was in Attack of the Clones, he was the baddest bounty hunter in the galaxy.
That “Dad!  Taun We’s here!” line, uttered with the enunciation of a
retard gargling a mouthful of Down Syndrome, makes us cringe now,
but in Empire he owned.

4.  Mystique – X-Men

A. Even blue and covered in scales she’s still hot.  B. The fact that she can kick ass and assume the appearance ofanyone is all kindsof awesome.  I think a funny joke would be having her morph into your friend’s wife and then you invite your buddy over and he walks in and sees you boning his blushing bride.  Hilarious!

 
Mystique morphing into my
best friend's wife, Melissa. 

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Rickey Henderson Hall of Fame Speech

Posted on 28. Jan, 2009 by Sean.

Through a trusted source, The Brickbat was able to obtain a first draft, inscribed on a cocktail napkin, of Rickey Henderson’s Hall of Fame induction speech.  Enjoy!

Hello friends, family and fans of Rickey Henderson.  Rickey Henderson is pleased you are here today to bask in the glory and the splendor that is Rickey Henderson.

Rickey Henderson was born on Dec 25th, 1958.  And like Jesus – Rickey Henderson did many miraculous things in his life.  While Jesus worked his miracles in the dessert, Rickey Henderson worked them on a baseball diamond.  Sure, Jesus may have turned water into wine and healed lepers, but did he ever steal 130 bases in a season?  Nuh uh.  Rickey Henderson did.  Did Jesus ever hit 81 lead off homeruns?  Nope.  Rickey Henderson did.  Rickey Henderson was electrifying and dynamic.  And in his prime, Rickey Henderson was so fast that he could have run on water, too.

To really understand the Rickey Hendersonifficness that is Rickey Henderson, one must focus on the Rickey Hendersonivity of Rickey Henderson.  There have been many Rickeys and many Hendersons, but there has only been one Rickey Henderson.

Who can even approach the sheer, mind boggling awesomeness that encompassed Rickey Henderson?  Has anyone ever existed in the history of the universe that is greater than Rickey Henderson?  I can think of not a single person.  So I say, “Put Rickey Henderson’s face on Mount Rushmore!”  None of them cats could wreak havoc on the base paths like Rickey Henderson done did.  George Washington, with them wooden teeth, powdered wig and fancy clothes wouldn’t have intimidated opposing pitchers like Rickey Henderson did with his macho, Adonis-like physique.  Roosevelt, with his impaired vision and glasses wouldn’t have had Rickey Henderson’s keen batting eye which allowed him to walk a whopping 2190 times in his life.  Jefferson was good at scoring with the female slaves on his plantation, but no way my man was good enough to score 2295 times on a baseball diamond, which is how many runs Rickey Henderson scored in his resplendent career.  And you think Abe Lincoln could head-first slide into second base like Rickey Henderson?  Don’t make me laugh.  He was way too tall and gangly and that stove pipe hat would have increased his wind resistance.

On second thought, let us forget Mount Rushmore and instead let us laser engrave Rickey Henderson’s face and lifetime statistics on the moon.  This will serve two purposes – First, little childrens can look up at night and dream of being as great as Rickey Henderson when they grow up (they won’t, but let the childrens have their dreams anyway).  And Second – If aliens ever come to Earth with the plan to invade, one look at the unfathomable statistics accumulated by Rickey Henderson over the course of his Rickey Hendersonalicious career will intimidate them into giving up their foolish quest.  They will be like so many opposing pitchers and catchers who injudiciously thought they could shut down Rickey Henderson’s effervescent running game.

Today Rickey Henderson joins baseball’s immortals.  But I propose we create a new Hall.  A Hall of Rickey Henderson.  This shrine to all things Rickey Henderson will be Rickey Henderson-expyalidosiously Rickey Henderson.  Rickey Henderson needs his own separate shrine in order to house all of his mammoth career statistics.  The Baseball Hall of Fame just doesn’t have the capacity to be Rickey Hedersonified.  Rickey Henderson will, however, settle for a Rickey Henderson wing of the Hall, although Rickey Henderson is not happy about it.

Thank you and thank Rickey Henderson for Rickey Hendersonifying the game of baseball and Rickey Hendersonalitstically Rickey Hendersoning the world we live in.

Oh and if any major league teams need a lead off hitter who can steal 60 bases and jack out 20 home runs a year while getting on base at a .375 clip, Rickey Henderson awaits your phone call.

Peace, love and Rickey Henderson be with you always.

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Pete Wentz is a douche bag?

Posted on 28. Jan, 2009 by Sean.

In a recent Blender interview, Pete Wentz laments that his name has become synonymous with “douchebag.”  That has to be the funniest shit I’ve ever read.  It’s also totally true.  I mean, don’t you own a mirror?  Do you hear the insufferable bullshit that spews forth from your mouth? 
How do you think you’re NOT a total fucking douchebag?  Summer’s Eve could start selling a “Pete Wentz April Fresh” flavor, and it would probably be a top seller among the chubby female FOB (OMG!) fans.
See www.yourscenesucks.com
<–

Anyway Pete – I gave it some thought and pondered whether maybe you really weren’t a douchebag and these charges leveled against you were just out of petty jealousy.  But that turned out to be an exercise in futility, so instead here’s why you are, in fact, justifiably synonymous with “douchebag.”  Feel free to print this out and clip it to use as a reference tool moving forward:

1. You claim to be, yet you are completely and totally not punk rock.  You’re not even in the ballpark.  Hell, it’s not even the same sport.  Wanna know how I know that?  Well, my first clue is you’re married to Ashlee Simpson.  That line-dancing, lip syncing moron is pretty much the furthest thing from punk rock.  Second you are one of those Hot Topic poser watered down mall kid “punk rockers.”  You strive for this “individuality” but you all look like you’re wearing the uniform of the Emo Dork Brigade.  Remember – just because you can squeeze into jeans you found in the petite girls’ department, doesn’t mean you should.  Third punk rock is not about being a CEO of 50 different ridiculous companies.  You got your record label, cool whatever.  But your clothing store/bookstore, your bar, your God knows what else your shilling this week.  It’s corny as hell and not at all about the music anymore.

2. The whole “shock factor” thing.  This isn’t 40 years ago.  Calling yourself a “fag” in an interview with Out Magazine because “I know I’m going to get a reaction” is off the cob corny and not some socio-political statement.  The fact that you admit to something like that when you’re just doing it for publicity is unbelievably lame.  Real kids are legitimately having those feelings and are struggling to overcome their anxiety, discomfort, embarrassment, etc.  They risk alienation from friends, parents, peers, and you use it as a way to generate more publicity for yourself.  Real cool, dickface.

3. The “Hey Chris” kid from your song.  He used to be your best friend and he even he now knows what a phony, conniving, weasely hack you are.  Read his rant here: http://blog.synthesis.net/2006/03/03/hey-chris-you-were-our-only-super-emo-pissed-off-ex-friend/.  If Fox ever airs a “When Emo Dorks Attack Bigger Emo Dorks” TV show, we’ll see this guy in full on Pete Wentz-face-ripping mode.

4. The makeup and the fucking hair.  Come on, guy – you’re emulating fellow douchebags in Good Charlotte.  A heterosexual male should never spend more time on his hair and makeup than a chick.  Ever.  The eyeliner and the female Japanime hairstyle have never, ever been a good idea.  And what’s with the neckerchief?  Unless you plan on robbing a train or holding up a stage coach, it’s pretty much  the worst fashion trend since Kris Kross were making people Jump Jump.

5. You took pictures of your dick and leaked them all over the internet.  You’re a super douche for this one.  You then tried telling people they were stolen from your Sidekick when everyone knows full well that you probably mailed them to every news outlet and blogger in the world is pathetic.  Congratulations!  You have a dick.
You’re still a pussy.

6. You tried to kill himself in a parking lot a few years back by OD’ing on anti depressants.  Suicide is a serious thing.  If you’re gonna do it, do it the right way and not like a total pussy.  I have no doubt you watched some cheese ball afterschool special where a 14 year old girl raised in a super Christian house got knocked up and was terrified to tell her parents what happened and she decided that suicide via anti depressant overdose was her only way out.  I’m sure it totally made your eyeliner run down your face and you thought it would be such a powerful way for you to off yourself, but you were wrong.  It’s a totally gay way to go.  You should have dropped a toaster in the bath or jumped off a 10 story building.  Or put a shotgun in your mouth.  Or jumped in front of a train.  Those are all way cooler ways to go and way more rock and roll.  The way you chose was a desperate plea for attention, nothing more.
And really, is your life so bad?  Granted you look like you do, act like you do, and you gave your kid a retarded name – but the money’s pretty good, right?  The fame’s gotta be fun for an attention whore like yourself, right?  And Ashlee Simpson does have a pretty decent rack.
So cheer up, guy.  It could be worse.
You could be the fat guy from your band.

These are the infallible, indisputable and irrevocable facts.  You are a douchebag and your name shall forever be a synonym for all things douche-y.

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When Advertising Goes Wrong

Posted on 28. Jan, 2009 by Sean.

The point of advertising is to make the product being promoted more desirable to you, the consumer. But what happens when the reverse happens? That is the issue I’m having right now.

Subway’s $5 Dollar foot long ad campaign has infuriated me to the point of near blindness. First of all, it’s got to be the single worst jingle I’ve ever heard in my life. I mean, if I was head of an advertising agency and one of my top guys who handles the big Subway account, came in with that – not only would I fire him, but I’d probably at least kick around the idea of strangling him. Someone got paid to come up with the lyrics – “Five. Five dollar. Five dollar foot looooong.” I mean, what?!?! If the author of this jingle accidentally mixed it up with his 4 year olds kindergarten homework assignment/ music project well then that is very sitcom-y cute, otherwise – it just fucking sucks. Not only is the jingle horrifically stupid and awful, but it’s also irritatingly catchy. So while you loathe it, you can’t help but endlessly replay it in your fucking head. I know, I know – the point of a jingle is to keep people humming it and remembering the product its promoting, however – I am so consumed with rage when I think of that jingle that the last thing I want to do is give money to Subway so that they can deem this campaign a success and keep producing future shitty jingles for me to listen to. I equate this to funding domestic terrorism.

But the jingle isn’t the only shitty aspect of these ads. While I’m at it – the commercial itself sucks, too. I mean, where is the foreman of that construction crew? Why is dancing and singing sandwich jingles allowed on a job site? That can’t be a term of the workers’ union agreement. And the women holding out their hands begging for that foot long? It’s filthy. Where are the James Dobson’s and Ted Haggard’s of the world? Why aren’t they denouncing this to the Christian right as sinful? PS – I hate the Christian Right, but at this point, whatever gets this stupid commercial off the air is fine by me. Means to an end, people.

The point of all this is crappy ad campaigns should not be tolerated. I mean, we’re living in 2009, for crying out loud. I’m pissed enough we don’t have jet packs and flying cars, but with the technology and intelligence we DO collectively possess, we can’t allow advertisers to wallow in mediocrity any longer. Hire the Burger King people, those new Whopper Virgin ads are pure genius.
Hell, I’d even welcome super douche, Jared Fogle back at this point. I don’t care what they do, but until this ends, I refuse to eat at Subway ever again. I can’t stand idly by and be a party to this disgrace against American consumerism. After all, I’m the guy that to this day refuses to shop at Old Navy because of this annoying old bitch and her asshole dog, Magic.

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Welcome to Thebrickbat.com

Posted on 28. Jan, 2009 by Dan.

Hello and Welcome to the Brickbat. If you are reading this its because there is nothing more to read, or because I deleted the site…again.

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