The Brickbat

Dear God…It’s me, Sean

Posted on 11. Aug, 2009 by Sean.

Dear God,

Hi, it’s me, Sean.  I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I thought it might be time we re-connected.  I know I’m not as devout in my religious beliefs as I was in my youth so I may not be in the best position to complain, but I’m not happy right now, God.  You’ve really let some stuff get out of hand here on Earth.  I guess getting older and more cynical has led me to doubt your existence.  Not going to church anymore, and disagreeing with your fanatical followers here on Earth, well – It’s caused me lose faith and for that - I am sorry.  I wish I hadn’t strayed from your flock, and I’m willing to come back, but first we need to discuss some things. 

Let me clarify, God – it’s not just me – millions of people need you right now, because of the events that took place this past weekend.  No, not that – Yeah, sure a lot of Asian people died because of those storms, but I’m not gonna say that you shouldn’t make it rain once in a while.  I mean, you know more about precipitation and flooding than me.  And let’s face it, there are a shitload of Asians out there, so losing a few hundred of them might not get noticed by too many people.  But I digress…

No, what I want to talk to you about is the Yankees sweeping the Red Sox in 4 games this weekend.  I mean, come on.  2004 proved you were a Sox fan, so what gives?   I don’t question your divine plan, Lord, but I would like to make a suggestion:  Now, while the team and their fans are riding a dizzying high of good vibes and boorish bravado - Please, please, please kill the NY Yankees. 

Look Lord, you know I hate the Yankees and their fans more than anything else in this world.  I hate them to my core, in all of my being, right down to my soul.  I hate them more than Palestinians hate Jews, more than Louis Farrakhan hates white people, more than Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity hate reason, logic and common sense.  I mean, don’t you remember how I was one of the only people outside of AZ that rooted against the Yankees in the World Series in 2001, a mere 2 months after 9/11?  I would have rooted for Al Qaeda before I rooted for the Yankees, even in that difficult time for our nation. 

Lord, I’m not the only person that detests these insufferable fucks and their moron fanbase.  And I know you hate them, because you’ve befallen serious tragedy on them before.  I mean, Lou Gehrig?  That was awful.  The Iron Horse, stricken down by ALS and dead within two years of retiring?  Yikes.  Thurman Munson?  Crashing that plane but still saving his passengers before he got toasted?  Very sad.  Those guys didn’t really deserve to die, but you offed them anyway. 

I thought you were gonna do some damage to this generation of Yankees, too and I don’t mean to be a dick, but you’re kind of a tease, God.  Don’t get me wrong, that Christmas morning in 1989 – when I awoke to find out Billy Martin had drunkenly wrapped himself and his car around a telephone pole – that was awesome.  In fact it was one of the best death presents I got until Biggie Smalls was killed.  When Cory Lidle crashed his plane into that building, that got me kind of pumped.   Until I heard he was solo and didn’t have any of his teammates with him.  To be honest, Corey Lidle wasn’t anyone I cared about either way.  I mean, if you had gotten Posada or Matsui, or even some low level, perpetually irritating scrub, like Luis Sojo riding shotgun on that plane, I would have been pretty ecstatic.  But Lidle just didn’t cut the mustard.  So I ask you, nay, beg you, Lord - Isn’t it time that you just kill the NY Yankees?  Oh, God – Please, please, please kill the NY Yankees. 

Let’s face it – they’re easily the most obnoxious team of assholes in any sport.  They are the perfect example of hubris.  Remember the time those rich snobs claimed the monstrous cruise ship out of Liverpool was unsinkable?  How they made it the most luxurious and obnoxiously opulent ship in history?  They scoffed at you, Lord.  Well you had the last laugh when you sank that bad boy on its maiden voyage!  I mean, that’s some cold blooded, poetic shit right there.  And that sent quite the message, didn’t it?  Of course it did.   

Well the Yankees are that very same symbol of detestable arrogance, greed and wealth and you can send a new message to your followers here on Earth today.  I mean, they have the audacity to call their home a “cathedral?”  What’s that all about?  And they routinely flaunt their excess to all visitors of their ballpark.  Worst of all – They routinely break your commandments.  I went ahead and gave some examples for you in case you were busy elsewhere – 

1. Douche Yankee fans worship Derek Jeter as a God, they also have monuments to past players in the outfield of their ballpark.
   Commandment Breaker: Worshipping false idols. 
   
2. They inspire all non Yankee fans to blaspheme your name.  After every victory a resounding, “Goddamn Yankees!” can be heard throughtout this great nation of ours
   Commandment Breaker: Making wrongful use of the name of your God.
   
3. They play baseball games on Sundays.
   Commandment Breaker – Not honoring the Sabbath.
   
4. I’m sure a few Yankees have said stuff in anger at their parents at some point in their lives.
   Commandment Breaker: Dishonoring thy mother and father.
   
5. Jim Leyritz, who was a World series hero with the Yankees recently killed a woman because he was driving drunk.
   Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not commit murder.
   
6. Roger Clemens cheated on his wife numerous times with a country singer, Jason Giambi cheated on his wife (I knew a girl he hooked up with that wasn’t Mrs. Giambi – honest!), A-Rod cheated on his wife with a number of mannish looking strippers.
   Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not commit adultery.
   
7. As a team through 8/10/2009 the Yankees had 72 stolen bases collectively.
   Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not steal.
   
8. The Yankees always make lame accusations against opponents for everything from stealing signs to throwing at their hitters.
   Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbors.
   
9. In 1972, pitchers Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich swapped wives and families (this really happened). 
   Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not covet they neighbor’s wife.
   
10. The Yankees always cry about how hard they have it and how much easier things are for other teams, never mind that they play in the biggest city, have the most money, spend the most money, have the most merchandising revenue, etc. etc.  Hank Steinbrenner even whined about how the Yankees would have made the playoffs if they played in the NL West in 2008. 
    Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor (including the geographical location of their baseball team). 

So you see, God?  The Yankees are a pox on this planet.  Get rid of them now, and bring joy to us non douchebags the world over.  We deserve better than a team and a fanbase like this.  The fans are unbelievably annoying, they sound like guido meatheads with their cro magnon-like chants of, “Deh-Rick-Jeet-UH!” echoing throughout bars, restaurants and baseball games in this great nation.  Enough is enough, God.  Wouldn’t this send the ultimate message of who’s in charge?  Get people back into the old school ways of fearing you a bit?     

While a team plane crash would be the ideal way to go, since you could get them all in one fell swoop, I’d also take a series of random catastrophes that would befall each player individually.  If you need some creative suggestions, here are a few I came up with to get you started:

Robinson Cano – Head crushed by blue ice falling from a plane. 

Hideki Matsui – Trampled in downtown Tokyo this offseason by a mob of people who think they’ve spotted Ichiro Suzuki.  

Brian Bruney – Awkwardly falls face first into his feeding trough, drowning in beef gravy.  

Melky Cabrera – Flaming debris from a decommissioned satellite lands on his face while he’s picking beans on a Domican farm this offseason.  

Nick Swisher – Dinner fork in the ol’ electrical outlet.  

Mark Teixeira – Due to his face, mistaken for a horse and turned into Elmer’s glue and hot dogs.  

Alex Rodriguez – After deciding no woman (or man) can truly satisfy him due to his blinding awesomeness, breaks his neck attempting to suck his own dick.  

AJ Burnett – Rocketing tire to the face from a spinning, flaming car wreck at a NASCAR rally.  

Mariano Rivera – Mangled under a wheat thresher in Iowa after visiting a cancer stricken farm boy as part of the Make-A-Wish Foundation.  

Johnny Damon – While visiting some soldiers at a nearby fort, he asks to practice throwing a live hand grenade.  However, his hilarious lack of arm strength results in its detonation less than 2 feet away. 

Andy Pettite – Drunk on Shiner Bocks, one of his dumb, shit kicking, Texan neighbors mistakes his big butt chin as a disrespectful “mooning” and shoots him in the face with a 12 gauge.  

Joba Chamberlain – Accidentally overdoses on his mom’s “Crystal Meth/Crack/Chocolate Fudge Cake”.     

Jorge Posada – Gets his humongous nose caught in one of those rolling, rock-pulverizing machines from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.  You know, the one where that giant gets his sash caught in it and emerges as a red stain. 

Derek Jeter – Gang raped by a pack of silverback gorillas that escape the Bronx Zoo.  

CC Sabathia – Chokes during his hourly feeding when the fire hose that stadium staffers use to shoot Ranch Dressing into his fat mouth, gets stuck in the ‘on’ position.  

There you go, God.  Thanks for listening.  I hope I’ve presented a clear cut case for why you should kill the Yankees.  They’re fucking assholes and it’d be nice to make the fans all cry their stupid eyes out while I laugh and laugh at their misery.  And if you do this I’ll do your bidding, whatever it may be.  Even if it means becoming a dopey Mormon and walking around door to door in those lame outfits.  It’s a small price to pay for the smiting of my most hated foes. 

Keep on truckin, big guy.

Your pal,

Sean

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How to go from Awesome to Dumbass in 10 Days

Posted on 10. Feb, 2009 by Dan.

Recently Michael Phelps has gotten himself into a little trouble. I’ve found it humorous at times how serious people are taking this.  This kid is 23; he smoked something out of a bong and drank a bunch of beers, nothing that most college students haven’t done every weekend since their parents dropped them off.

So here are some steps on how to go from most awesome night of your life to you’re a dumbass

Step One: Attend a party.

Step Two: Holy crap its 14 time gold medal winner Michael Phelps.

Step Three: Holy crap 14 time gold medal winter Michael Phelps is smoking a bong.

Step Four: Take a picture of 14 time gold medal winner Michael Phelps smoking a bong.

Step Five: Sell said picture of 14 time gold medal winner Michael Phelps smoking a bong to a tabloid.

Step Six: Count your money.

Step Seven: Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you’re not a complete piece of shit.

Step Eight: Let your buddy try and sell the bong that Michael Phelps 14 time gold medal winner smoked out of, on EBay.

Step Nine: Watch as 8 of your buddies get arrested in relation to Michael Phelps smoking out of the bong.

Step Ten: Congratulations on ruining lives, I wonder how you even got into college, you dumbass.

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Rickey Henderson Hall of Fame Speech

Posted on 28. Jan, 2009 by Sean.

Through a trusted source, The Brickbat was able to obtain a first draft, inscribed on a cocktail napkin, of Rickey Henderson’s Hall of Fame induction speech.  Enjoy!

Hello friends, family and fans of Rickey Henderson.  Rickey Henderson is pleased you are here today to bask in the glory and the splendor that is Rickey Henderson.

Rickey Henderson was born on Dec 25th, 1958.  And like Jesus – Rickey Henderson did many miraculous things in his life.  While Jesus worked his miracles in the dessert, Rickey Henderson worked them on a baseball diamond.  Sure, Jesus may have turned water into wine and healed lepers, but did he ever steal 130 bases in a season?  Nuh uh.  Rickey Henderson did.  Did Jesus ever hit 81 lead off homeruns?  Nope.  Rickey Henderson did.  Rickey Henderson was electrifying and dynamic.  And in his prime, Rickey Henderson was so fast that he could have run on water, too.

To really understand the Rickey Hendersonifficness that is Rickey Henderson, one must focus on the Rickey Hendersonivity of Rickey Henderson.  There have been many Rickeys and many Hendersons, but there has only been one Rickey Henderson.

Who can even approach the sheer, mind boggling awesomeness that encompassed Rickey Henderson?  Has anyone ever existed in the history of the universe that is greater than Rickey Henderson?  I can think of not a single person.  So I say, “Put Rickey Henderson’s face on Mount Rushmore!”  None of them cats could wreak havoc on the base paths like Rickey Henderson done did.  George Washington, with them wooden teeth, powdered wig and fancy clothes wouldn’t have intimidated opposing pitchers like Rickey Henderson did with his macho, Adonis-like physique.  Roosevelt, with his impaired vision and glasses wouldn’t have had Rickey Henderson’s keen batting eye which allowed him to walk a whopping 2190 times in his life.  Jefferson was good at scoring with the female slaves on his plantation, but no way my man was good enough to score 2295 times on a baseball diamond, which is how many runs Rickey Henderson scored in his resplendent career.  And you think Abe Lincoln could head-first slide into second base like Rickey Henderson?  Don’t make me laugh.  He was way too tall and gangly and that stove pipe hat would have increased his wind resistance.

On second thought, let us forget Mount Rushmore and instead let us laser engrave Rickey Henderson’s face and lifetime statistics on the moon.  This will serve two purposes – First, little childrens can look up at night and dream of being as great as Rickey Henderson when they grow up (they won’t, but let the childrens have their dreams anyway).  And Second – If aliens ever come to Earth with the plan to invade, one look at the unfathomable statistics accumulated by Rickey Henderson over the course of his Rickey Hendersonalicious career will intimidate them into giving up their foolish quest.  They will be like so many opposing pitchers and catchers who injudiciously thought they could shut down Rickey Henderson’s effervescent running game.

Today Rickey Henderson joins baseball’s immortals.  But I propose we create a new Hall.  A Hall of Rickey Henderson.  This shrine to all things Rickey Henderson will be Rickey Henderson-expyalidosiously Rickey Henderson.  Rickey Henderson needs his own separate shrine in order to house all of his mammoth career statistics.  The Baseball Hall of Fame just doesn’t have the capacity to be Rickey Hedersonified.  Rickey Henderson will, however, settle for a Rickey Henderson wing of the Hall, although Rickey Henderson is not happy about it.

Thank you and thank Rickey Henderson for Rickey Hendersonifying the game of baseball and Rickey Hendersonalitstically Rickey Hendersoning the world we live in.

Oh and if any major league teams need a lead off hitter who can steal 60 bases and jack out 20 home runs a year while getting on base at a .375 clip, Rickey Henderson awaits your phone call.

Peace, love and Rickey Henderson be with you always.

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Giants Offseason To Do List

Posted on 28. Jan, 2009 by Dan.

One thing that makes a team great is the ability to adapt to any situation.  One thing the Giants offense was not able to do this year was adapt.  After the Burress incident the team fell apart.  Plaxico was a big receiver and probably better than average, but not great.  I’d like to think that a team considered to be one of the best RUN offenses in the NFL could manage without their number one receiver.  Kevin Gilbride, the offensive coordinator for the Giants, praised Eli for being mature about that. Most QB’s want to throw the ball and start letting their ego get in the way when the offense revolves around running.

That being said Good-bye Kevin Gilbride.  You’re unable to adapt to opposing defenses, the loss of ONE player ruins your entire offensive scheme, and you started abandoning the run.  Your decision to abandon the run led to the Giants loss in Dallas.  It had nothing to do with the running backs and everything to do with your ever so predictable play calling.  I’m not even going to touch on the playoff game against the Eagles, everyone else seems to already have done that.  Rumor has it, he’s headed to the Raiders.  I think I’d rather be doing laundry for the Giants then being the head coach of the Raiders.

So the news gets worse, the defensive coordinator of the Giants, Steve Spagnuolo, will most likely get a super sweet deal to take a head coaching job elsewhere.  Here’s how you adapt to that situation.  Make Coughlin retire.  Goodbye Coughlin.  It is obvious that the defense is a large part in why the Giants were able to get as far as they did.  Coughlin at what point do you walk over to your offensive coordinator and smack him in the back of the head and ask, “what the hell are you doing?” Promote Spagnuolo to head coach and give him a chance.  Sometimes I wonder what Coughlin even does.

The Giants will probably lose Ward to free agency, and Toomer to retirement, whose contract is also up this year.  Other players whose contracts are up this year; Brandon Jacobs, David Carr, Anthony Wright, John Carney, R.W. McQuarters, Grey Ruegamer, Jerome McDougle, and Renaldo Wynn.  Some players in there are must keeps, and others the Giants could do without.

I’m betting right now that Micah Rucker will be the answer the Giants have been looking for.  The Giants picked him up off of free agency after both the Chief’s and the Steeler’s cut him.  The Steeler’s cut him so they could sign some wide receiver that used to play with Roethlisberger.  Rucker is a 6′6″ receiver. HUGE.  He actually has an inch on Burress.  We probably won’t see Burress again so this is the best replacement for him.  Rucker is currently on the practice squad.  It has worried me that since we didn’t see him during the end of the season, that he may not be all the great.  Then I remember who the head coach and offensive coordinator are.

So the pressure seems to be all on Jerry Reese, the GM of the Giants.  He’s been rock solid the past two years with his draft choices and free agency decisions. Let’s hope that he has the magic again and can make some key pick-ups in the Giants off-season.  Things I would be looking for, hard-hitting linebackers.  I would potentially trade Pierce away.  The Giants need more big hits coming out of their D, right now I only really see rookie Kenny Phillips hitting hard.  I would also look into another running back. I know, I know BRADSHAW DUDE; I personally think Bradshaw is going to have a fumbling problem, so just to be on the safe side I would like to see another running back drafted.

I might just be a little bitter about the loss to the Eagles, but the Giants should have played better. It doesn’t matter how you start out, it’s all about how you finish, as they proved last year by winning the Super Bowl.  That being said this season was a failure and a lot needs to be done to prepare for next season.

Then again what the hell do I know?

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Welcome to Thebrickbat.com

Posted on 28. Jan, 2009 by Dan.

Hello and Welcome to the Brickbat. If you are reading this its because there is nothing more to read, or because I deleted the site…again.

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