The Brickbat

Dear God…It’s me, Sean

Posted on 11. Aug, 2009 by Sean in Funny, Rants, Sports

Dear God,

Hi, it’s me, Sean.  I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I thought it might be time we re-connected.  I know I’m not as devout in my religious beliefs as I was in my youth so I may not be in the best position to complain, but I’m not happy right now, God.  You’ve really let some stuff get out of hand here on Earth.  I guess getting older and more cynical has led me to doubt your existence.  Not going to church anymore, and disagreeing with your fanatical followers here on Earth, well – It’s caused me lose faith and for that - I am sorry.  I wish I hadn’t strayed from your flock, and I’m willing to come back, but first we need to discuss some things. 

Let me clarify, God – it’s not just me – millions of people need you right now, because of the events that took place this past weekend.  No, not that – Yeah, sure a lot of Asian people died because of those storms, but I’m not gonna say that you shouldn’t make it rain once in a while.  I mean, you know more about precipitation and flooding than me.  And let’s face it, there are a shitload of Asians out there, so losing a few hundred of them might not get noticed by too many people.  But I digress…

No, what I want to talk to you about is the Yankees sweeping the Red Sox in 4 games this weekend.  I mean, come on.  2004 proved you were a Sox fan, so what gives?   I don’t question your divine plan, Lord, but I would like to make a suggestion:  Now, while the team and their fans are riding a dizzying high of good vibes and boorish bravado - Please, please, please kill the NY Yankees. 

Look Lord, you know I hate the Yankees and their fans more than anything else in this world.  I hate them to my core, in all of my being, right down to my soul.  I hate them more than Palestinians hate Jews, more than Louis Farrakhan hates white people, more than Glenn Beck or Sean Hannity hate reason, logic and common sense.  I mean, don’t you remember how I was one of the only people outside of AZ that rooted against the Yankees in the World Series in 2001, a mere 2 months after 9/11?  I would have rooted for Al Qaeda before I rooted for the Yankees, even in that difficult time for our nation. 

Lord, I’m not the only person that detests these insufferable fucks and their moron fanbase.  And I know you hate them, because you’ve befallen serious tragedy on them before.  I mean, Lou Gehrig?  That was awful.  The Iron Horse, stricken down by ALS and dead within two years of retiring?  Yikes.  Thurman Munson?  Crashing that plane but still saving his passengers before he got toasted?  Very sad.  Those guys didn’t really deserve to die, but you offed them anyway. 

I thought you were gonna do some damage to this generation of Yankees, too and I don’t mean to be a dick, but you’re kind of a tease, God.  Don’t get me wrong, that Christmas morning in 1989 – when I awoke to find out Billy Martin had drunkenly wrapped himself and his car around a telephone pole – that was awesome.  In fact it was one of the best death presents I got until Biggie Smalls was killed.  When Cory Lidle crashed his plane into that building, that got me kind of pumped.   Until I heard he was solo and didn’t have any of his teammates with him.  To be honest, Corey Lidle wasn’t anyone I cared about either way.  I mean, if you had gotten Posada or Matsui, or even some low level, perpetually irritating scrub, like Luis Sojo riding shotgun on that plane, I would have been pretty ecstatic.  But Lidle just didn’t cut the mustard.  So I ask you, nay, beg you, Lord - Isn’t it time that you just kill the NY Yankees?  Oh, God – Please, please, please kill the NY Yankees. 

Let’s face it – they’re easily the most obnoxious team of assholes in any sport.  They are the perfect example of hubris.  Remember the time those rich snobs claimed the monstrous cruise ship out of Liverpool was unsinkable?  How they made it the most luxurious and obnoxiously opulent ship in history?  They scoffed at you, Lord.  Well you had the last laugh when you sank that bad boy on its maiden voyage!  I mean, that’s some cold blooded, poetic shit right there.  And that sent quite the message, didn’t it?  Of course it did.   

Well the Yankees are that very same symbol of detestable arrogance, greed and wealth and you can send a new message to your followers here on Earth today.  I mean, they have the audacity to call their home a “cathedral?”  What’s that all about?  And they routinely flaunt their excess to all visitors of their ballpark.  Worst of all – They routinely break your commandments.  I went ahead and gave some examples for you in case you were busy elsewhere – 

1. Douche Yankee fans worship Derek Jeter as a God, they also have monuments to past players in the outfield of their ballpark.
   Commandment Breaker: Worshipping false idols. 
   
2. They inspire all non Yankee fans to blaspheme your name.  After every victory a resounding, “Goddamn Yankees!” can be heard throughtout this great nation of ours
   Commandment Breaker: Making wrongful use of the name of your God.
   
3. They play baseball games on Sundays.
   Commandment Breaker – Not honoring the Sabbath.
   
4. I’m sure a few Yankees have said stuff in anger at their parents at some point in their lives.
   Commandment Breaker: Dishonoring thy mother and father.
   
5. Jim Leyritz, who was a World series hero with the Yankees recently killed a woman because he was driving drunk.
   Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not commit murder.
   
6. Roger Clemens cheated on his wife numerous times with a country singer, Jason Giambi cheated on his wife (I knew a girl he hooked up with that wasn’t Mrs. Giambi – honest!), A-Rod cheated on his wife with a number of mannish looking strippers.
   Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not commit adultery.
   
7. As a team through 8/10/2009 the Yankees had 72 stolen bases collectively.
   Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not steal.
   
8. The Yankees always make lame accusations against opponents for everything from stealing signs to throwing at their hitters.
   Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbors.
   
9. In 1972, pitchers Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich swapped wives and families (this really happened). 
   Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not covet they neighbor’s wife.
   
10. The Yankees always cry about how hard they have it and how much easier things are for other teams, never mind that they play in the biggest city, have the most money, spend the most money, have the most merchandising revenue, etc. etc.  Hank Steinbrenner even whined about how the Yankees would have made the playoffs if they played in the NL West in 2008. 
    Commandment Breaker: Thou shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbor (including the geographical location of their baseball team). 

So you see, God?  The Yankees are a pox on this planet.  Get rid of them now, and bring joy to us non douchebags the world over.  We deserve better than a team and a fanbase like this.  The fans are unbelievably annoying, they sound like guido meatheads with their cro magnon-like chants of, “Deh-Rick-Jeet-UH!” echoing throughout bars, restaurants and baseball games in this great nation.  Enough is enough, God.  Wouldn’t this send the ultimate message of who’s in charge?  Get people back into the old school ways of fearing you a bit?     

While a team plane crash would be the ideal way to go, since you could get them all in one fell swoop, I’d also take a series of random catastrophes that would befall each player individually.  If you need some creative suggestions, here are a few I came up with to get you started:

Robinson Cano – Head crushed by blue ice falling from a plane. 

Hideki Matsui – Trampled in downtown Tokyo this offseason by a mob of people who think they’ve spotted Ichiro Suzuki.  

Brian Bruney – Awkwardly falls face first into his feeding trough, drowning in beef gravy.  

Melky Cabrera – Flaming debris from a decommissioned satellite lands on his face while he’s picking beans on a Domican farm this offseason.  

Nick Swisher – Dinner fork in the ol’ electrical outlet.  

Mark Teixeira – Due to his face, mistaken for a horse and turned into Elmer’s glue and hot dogs.  

Alex Rodriguez – After deciding no woman (or man) can truly satisfy him due to his blinding awesomeness, breaks his neck attempting to suck his own dick.  

AJ Burnett – Rocketing tire to the face from a spinning, flaming car wreck at a NASCAR rally.  

Mariano Rivera – Mangled under a wheat thresher in Iowa after visiting a cancer stricken farm boy as part of the Make-A-Wish Foundation.  

Johnny Damon – While visiting some soldiers at a nearby fort, he asks to practice throwing a live hand grenade.  However, his hilarious lack of arm strength results in its detonation less than 2 feet away. 

Andy Pettite – Drunk on Shiner Bocks, one of his dumb, shit kicking, Texan neighbors mistakes his big butt chin as a disrespectful “mooning” and shoots him in the face with a 12 gauge.  

Joba Chamberlain – Accidentally overdoses on his mom’s “Crystal Meth/Crack/Chocolate Fudge Cake”.     

Jorge Posada – Gets his humongous nose caught in one of those rolling, rock-pulverizing machines from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.  You know, the one where that giant gets his sash caught in it and emerges as a red stain. 

Derek Jeter – Gang raped by a pack of silverback gorillas that escape the Bronx Zoo.  

CC Sabathia – Chokes during his hourly feeding when the fire hose that stadium staffers use to shoot Ranch Dressing into his fat mouth, gets stuck in the ‘on’ position.  

There you go, God.  Thanks for listening.  I hope I’ve presented a clear cut case for why you should kill the Yankees.  They’re fucking assholes and it’d be nice to make the fans all cry their stupid eyes out while I laugh and laugh at their misery.  And if you do this I’ll do your bidding, whatever it may be.  Even if it means becoming a dopey Mormon and walking around door to door in those lame outfits.  It’s a small price to pay for the smiting of my most hated foes. 

Keep on truckin, big guy.

Your pal,

Sean

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